It Is Fucking Hard.

Don’t even know where to begin. But perhaps with acknowledging that motherhood is crazy fucking mega hard.

Two weeks ago, I wrote this post but was too scared to press the publish button. I also read it now thinking ‘that sounds a bit melodramatic’ but it was what I felt, there and then. So here we go. Perhaps I am not alone and someone else is going through the same feelings I had. I also want to say that it has now passed. Life is exciting and love and light has returned to my body and life.

“I am currently experiencing the biggest low since Leo was born. I’m racking my brain for reasons – could it be that I recently stopped breastfeeding (hello hormone changes) and my period is about to retur? I don’t know. The bottom line is that it is real. The empty feeling of nothingness which like a ripple effect triggers guilt, insecurities, sadness and hopelessness. I would not call it a full on depression, but perhaps a small one? My mood swings like crazy, and I pick fights with my husband every day. 

When people talked about postpartum depression, I could not relate, I rather felt euphoria for months after birth, and following that, just happy contentedness with life in general. I had no idea that this could hit almost a year later, and hard. I was not prepared. 

I talk with my husband who is very supportive, I share with close friends who are mothers too, who reassure me they felt different degrees of this, at some point in motherhood too.

But why the hell have I never heard anyone mention it before? And why do I feel so alone when the sun sets?”

I did not even finish this post as tears were running down my cheeks, stopping me from being able to read what I was writing. My husband brought me tubs of ice cream and hugged me. But I did not want to be hugged, I could not even feel the love I was given. It was a truly horrible feeling. I am so grateful for it passing so quickly. I can share that my period did indeed arrive, almost a month after I stopped breastfeeding. My hormones must have had a party trying to figure out the new normal within. I hope I never get to experience this again. But I do hope this brings hope to someone whom might be feeling the same right now, and to say to them ‘this too shall pass’.

Josefina
A Tribe Called Life

 

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